he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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