im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
