Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
