i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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