I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
