watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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