I didn't shave. On purpose
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
