I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
