I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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