Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
