when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
