hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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