i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
