Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
