she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
