I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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