The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
it's like heaven, but drunker
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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