My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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