Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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