dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
