Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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