Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
