sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
