Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I need moral support for this bender
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
