I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Never underestimate the power of titties
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