Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
