Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
