my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
