You smell like a Billy Joel song
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
