I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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