So drunk its hurt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
