There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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