Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
