Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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