I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much