Umm I'm too high to move.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
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I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.