I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.