It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
