I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
