i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
