I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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