Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize