i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
