The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
NoShamevember. You game?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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