okay pat passed out under dana's car
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
