I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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