Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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