i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
