So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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