did you get engaged???
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
