I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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