best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
