in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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