The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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