I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
