You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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