And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
