im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
