can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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