he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Maybe he injected his testicle?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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