community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
